I don't have very much motivating me at the moment to write anything here, other than the fact that I want to write my feelings down all the time. I love typing, so this is better for me than hand-writing.
I'm looking for jobs. I feel very lost without one right now. I wanted very badly not to get back into the routine I was deeply set in before I left. And here I am, same routine. I still have some time to break it. So I'm working on it.
I have mixed emotions about a lot of things and a lot of people right now, so I'm probably going to remain vague on the personal front.
I've found lately that I enjoy keeping more and more in all the time. I don't want to willingly share so much these days. I want people to work for information now honestly. I don't feel like I'm even willing to sit down and talk about my feelings with anyone.
If anyone cares enough, they'll try. I think I've put far too much effort into some things in the recent past or just in the past, that I care not to delve into anymore without some reciprocation. Sorry if that doesn't make any damn sense. I'm indifferent about that, much as I despise indifference.
I had a dramatic moment...or a few... earlier when I let Spud out and it was raining really hard. I let him out to go pee and all of that and I didn't put him on his leash because I thought "It's raining, he'll come right back in, the little fucker hates the rain." Well... not so much. He stayed out and went God knows where. I was calling for him for awhile, while on the phone with a friend. Then I had to hang up and go get serious about getting him inside. He wouldn't come back. It was raining pretty hard and the wind is pretty lashing... I threw on my boots and went out there. Called him quite a bit still. Fucker would NOT come home. I couldn't even hear him wandering around, and I have pretty good ears. I can usually tell when he's just around the sides of the house or the next yard over. So I'm wandering around the different yards, into the dark field behind ours that leads into the next neighborhood... getting all soaked and cold. I was getting so furious but at the same time thinking something happened to him. Ughhhh. I hate that he's like my child in that I would die for him and die if anything happened to him. So finally I'm back in our yard and I'm dripping and yelling for him and he comes waltzing up like nothing's up. Stupid little thing. I said, pretty loudly, "Where the fuck were YOU?" I'm sure the neighbors heard me. I don't give a shit. I have a temper and I guess when I'm mad I don't care if the neighbors are aware. Lol.... probably a quality I should control more...
SO anyway, he's back home and all. And I'm still cold, hours later. But I'm dry now.
In other news, I took my Imipramine down to just taking one dose a night now. This change has, of course, made itself known. My body and my brain feel different. Getting the electric shock feelings a bit that they call "brain shiver". That happens with withdrawals. Hopefully this won't last too long but it's definitely enabling me to be more manic and crazy. Hence my screaming at my dog outside where everyone can hear. Ha...
Well I'm working on a song. I've called it I Don't Care If I Lose You So I'm Going To Be Myself. I started writing it in Arkansas when I had some kind of like "whoa" moment. Revelation. Whatev. I like the whole idea though. See, I happen to change a bit when I like someone and am attempting to date them. I get all stupid. I don't know why the fuck I do this. All of the coolness that is Malia Kay just slips away and I become this weird love fiend that is really quite brainless. It's very annoying. So now I'm like.... I need to treat them like I don't care if I lose them so that I don't change myself into whoever I think they'd desire. It helps if I really don't care if I lose them. Haha..... that's the harder part. Well anyway, that's my most recent in the music area. I have a lot more going on so I'll have to explain the music stuff some other time I guess. I'm bored with what I'm saying already anyhow.
On that note, I'm taking off. I don't know if I'll attempt sleep and waking up early and all of that or if I'll smoke my doobage and contemplate more bullshit and do nothing. I'm betting I can get to sleep though and get some shit happening tomorrow. I'm starting my piano lessons any day I want now, so there's that. Just need to call up there and see when the ideal time is.....
Alright I'm really going now. Later instigators.
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I wish I lived closer, that way we could actually talk face to face, more often than never. I know exactly what it's like to keep your emotions to yourself. But, unfortunately after awhile it makes it harder to express those feelings.
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The main thing with pets is they like their freedom occasionally. Unfortunately it's at the most opportunistic times. Like most things freedom is a great thing, but most times they'll find their way back. It's very easy to get frustrated with them when they do this though, because we care for them & we don't want anything to happen to them. Like you said, they're your child; so any parent would understand.
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Love fiend or not, Romanticism is not a brainless thing, it's just lest sought after these days. People have gotten to the "I want instant gratification" stage these days. It's both good & bad, at least the way I see it. Social boundaries are being crossed nowadays & the romantics are being left being in the wake of this new way of thinking. It never hurts to be romantic & hope/wish for love. Everyone want's to be loved.
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I hope to doobage is relaxing, I haven't smoke in a good 7 years or so...