I'm here again. Home again. Illinois again. Feels like I never left sometimes.
And I really miss Arkansas. I'm sad.
I had reasons I wanted to come back here. Quite a few reasons. But now that I'm here... seems like it was a silly choice sometimes. I want to go back half the time. I don't feel happy.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I really don't. I wanted to come back here so badly. Other people wanted me back here as well.
Now I don't think it matters to them or me.
I now don't know where to go, what to do with myself, who wants me around...
And the sounds here are plaguing my brain and I get angry.
I JUST DON'T KNOW. What I do know is that I'm sad. And I fooled myself.
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I feel you. Illinois sucks so much...
ReplyDeleteEvery time I go to Indiana for the weekend I want to stay there & never return. But Illinois is a void, it pulls you in & traps you with connections; whether it's friends or family. We find it so hard to cut the strings of attachment that we end up stuck here with everyone else.
Your being here does matter, even if it's just to one person it still matters. But I understand the whole being here but not wanting to be...
Arkansas was more stable than Illinois, I would assume at least. shifting oneself from a stable environment to one that's unstable is always a tricky process. Being alone in Arkansas allowed you to explore yourself & get a better grip on who you are, coming back now diverts the attention that you had to many more people, once again shattering the stability that you had.
Being in Manito has made me more stable, because the environment is more stable. I have more time to focus on myself, but in the process I'm also finding out who my true friends are. Yes, loosing friends hurts; but why should I focus so much emotional attachment to people that don't show any care in return?
I'm happy that you've returned to Illinois, but I understand if the call of returning to Arkansas becomes too loud to ignore. If that's the case then I hope I get a chance to meet up with you before that time comes, even if it's just for a few drinks or talking over coffee (which I don't drink)...