Daddy bonesaw.

Well it's Winter. Not officially, but it's here.
It has been bitter cold.Bitter cold, bittersweet. Just the way I like things.

I'm really on edge today. Things are grating on my nerves like a bonesaw. I'm not sure what's causing it but I have some ideas. A lot is fluttering in and out of my mind. I can't do much with it all but let it do what it does. And I can try to write about it.

First of all, I just talked to my dad on the phone for a little bit and told him that I'm moving down to Arkansas for a few months. I guess Nick had already told him. But when we were talking about it, he seemed pretty indifferent. No excitement at all. I don't know if he just can't express it or if he doesn't feel it or what. I really need that confirmation though.

How do you a lot of you keep yourselves from letting your fathers upset you? Brooke does it surprisingly well and I want to know what the secret is.

I won't let it stop me leaving though. If anything, it's just another hurdle while I'm down south.

I need some time to figure out who the hell I am and what the hell I want out of life.

I'm trying to kind of "teach" myself, in a way, to enjoy and revel in all the sponaneity of life. I just apparently have a hard time handling all this change. Dan pointed out that my body is telling me something by my being so anxious.

I'm really looking forward to a drastic change, though my mind is racing about it. I want drastic. I need drastic.

I really want to jump into some freezing water right now. And burn my fingertips with lye. Set a tree on fire. Go hunting. Open up my veins a little. Breathe heavy, heavy smoke or poluted air..... car exhaust.....

Ultimately I think I can make great strides if I am brave enough to face whomever I have issues with and find a way to deal with them. That is the only solution innit?

Well I inquired to Brooke about the daddy issues question. She says "I just don't let it get to me. All my dad is is another man. And we know how men are."

Another thing that is greatly frustrating me is men. You're not all bad, but I get angry at a lot of you for the things you do, or the things you DON'T do. That's a whole other blog though I think. I don't want to man-hate. It's so fucking hard not to though.

I can say though... some of you are really good to me. Thank you to those of you who are.

Fuck you to the rest.

*****************

New interesting thought I just had. I've been feeling lately that I'm not afraid to die anymore. All of a sudden it came to me. I thought about being murdered. I thought about the entire process of a slow, particular, passionate murder. I discovered that the thought didn't scare me. And that I was almost longing for it. This intrigued me. I thought about it further. About how, after all these years of being out of my mind with fear of death, I'm suddenly not afraid at all. Where did this come from?

I spoke to Neecol about it. She said the same thing happened to her at the same ages all these things have been happening to me. This intrigued me even further.Lately my mind seems to be becoming clearer, but it's almost mucked up because of all the clarity. So in a strange way, it's more cloudy.

Cloudy because of clarity. How strange.

I'm finishing this blog before I go into some other nonsense and it gets crazier.